A plea for charity fund-raising, requested by a friend.

Chris has already alerted the wider world to this, but I thought it was only right and proper that I did my bit to help:

Some of you will be aware of my Lohan based euphoria. It was perhaps a year and a half ago that I sent the email (which I include at the bottom of this email for reference purposes) outlining my plan to perform a base jump from the top of Lindsey Lohan.

Since this early elevation of Lindsey to the rank of ‘Pretty Lady’ (one of my highest battle honours), I have been able to expand and improve on the potency of this heartily unhealthy fondness – now I can scarcely look at a picture of the woman (and what a woman she is) with out feeling my mind spiralling in on its self the need to say something philosophical(ish).

However I’m digressing – my principal concern is of course for the children – one of the many things Lindsey and I have in common – along with being able to do flawless Kermit the frog impressions and having just 11 sets of ribs. That is why I am re-launching “Jump Lohan” – this time it will be a multi discipline event. Naturally we will be staying true to the roots of JL, and the event will culminate with a base jump off Lindsey. However, the name is derived from Jump London, and I would like to introduce some very poorly executed parkour.

Both myself and Lindsey (probably) are very keen to really move this event forward into a more public arena (last time the event was held in Cathays Park in Cardiff – I was drunk, it was about 3am, Lohan looked worryingly like a statue of some bird in a toga, and I hurt my ankle – also I failed to raise any money). However even then both I and my pet stone Steve recognised the potential of the event to really raise some cash for charity. As I said, it’s all about the children – Lohan (probably) and I have agreed that the money will be spread around a variety of international children’s charities.

The point is I need the word to be spread far and wide.

Send it to you friends – send it to your friends’ friends – send it to the people who are still in your address book – but basically you keep forgetting to speak to, and of course stick it on your blog/homepage etc.

Truly – Google will rue the day Jump Lohan was born! Eventually we will reach enough people – then the Lohan will get it – and I think you know what happens from there! Peace out yo!


Below is the original message (please read whilst listening to 2Unlimited – Get Ready For This):

People shouldn’t be allowed to be that fit – it could cause accidents. You know what I mean: as in “I’m driving my car, I’m driving my car – holy crap – that person is so fit physics has created a singularity in a jealous attempt to stop light that’s touched her touching anything else, unfortunately in the process flipping the earth inside out making everyone and everything on it feel really sad – except for tangerines who sort of felt like they’d always had a bit of a bum deal anyway kind of a way.

I’m actually sort of worried about this – I’ve never had a teenage crush – and now at 22 I still haven’t – and have sort of missed the boat. Is that normal? Probably not. Psychologists probably have a name for it – it’s probably not a good one. I’m probably inches away from the edge of a mental plateau – maybe I could perform the first truly “MENTAL” base jump – I suppose you have to try it to find out.

I’m going to go travelling, I’m going to go to America, I’m going to go to Lindsey’s house (she’s probably in the phone book – I can’t imagine she has any reason to go unlisted) and I’m just going to base jump off Lindsey Lohan.

It’s all fine – this is going to work – all it takes is a little grit and determination – after all it’s important to have a goal. I could tell the nice Helen lady in the careers centre my goal – that should stop her thinking I’m not making any real progress.

Anyway back to the matter in hand – after some research (isn’t the internet marvellous?) I’ve learnt that Lindsey is 5’5’’ tall (roughly 1.65m). If we assume that I base jump off her whilst she’s standing up, and that I have to open my chute to decelerate half way to the ground (altitude roughly = belly button) then I will have to deploy after ~ 0.41 seconds (and then just PRAY my chute deploys – probably won’t have time to cut it and go to my reserve).

HOWEVER – as I said physics will panic – it will collapse Lindsey, giving her a Schwarzschild radius of ~ 7*10^-26m (which is wee and small) This will of course have a Schwarzschild spacetime geometry associated with it – meaning the question becomes one of freefall paths, and I become bored (this is just an excuse – really it means that I can’t do this sort of stuff anymore).

I suppose there are two important points to glean from this:
1) A Masters degree in astrophysics is actually really useful and relevant to everyday life.
2) I want to jump off Lindsey Lohan (this is perhaps a variation on the theme of the standard male’s thoughts regarding Ms Lohan) however I’m serious – I would love to do a Charity Jump – and I feel like the best way to get my amazing (and it is amazing) idea out is for me to email it to all my friends, then for them to send it on to their friends and so on and so on… mathematically this should only have to be repeated seven times before the email reaches Ms Lohan (but I’m realistic, and realise it may need to be forwarded up to [and including] sodding loads of times). Anyway – eventually this will reach Lindsey (hello!) and then she can email me back here) and we can sort out charities/dates/times/outfits (I’m thinking spandex)/etc. It’s going to be ace! Thanks for your kind support!


Chris “Badass” Bowden


3 Responses to “A plea for charity fund-raising, requested by a friend.”

  1. 2 Chris February 23, 2007 at 10:27 am

    I think your spam-killer has just eaten my previous comment. It said simply: http://jumplohan.wordpress.com/

  2. 3 garyandrews February 23, 2007 at 9:25 pm

    Sorry about that mate. I think I set it so I have to moderate every comment with a link in.

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Yes, this is my name. And my email. Use it wisely or you're not getting a biscuit with your tea: garyllewellynandrews [at] gmail [dot] com

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