Why? Just why?

I’ve no idea why I do it. Each year I vow not to watch Big Brother, and each year I’m sat in front of the TV for the launch party. This year I just accepted the inevitable and decided I might as well embrace it as I might a cuddly cactus. I’ll only get bored after a few weeks, stop watching and then re-engage when some kind of overhyped controversy erupts and I tune back in to see what all the fuss is about. No different from most of the rest of the country then.

Anyway, this year Big Brother’s decided that there are actually people who not only live outside of London, but also are over 50 and don’t look like they’ve stepped off the set of Hollyoaks. In other words, this year BB’s attempted to go for slightly more ‘normal’ people. Except they’re not normal. They’re all as mad a sticks in gravy and I already hate every last one of them.

Clearly hundreds of bloggers will take up the dedicated call to arms and churn out copious amounts of drivel comparable to the show, but I think I’d get in first and set the bar low so whoever picks up the baton needn’t worry about the quality of their post.

So, after two hours my (probably) hideously inaccurate snap judgments are as follows:

Sam & Mandy AKA The Twins: They’re one entity so there’s no point in separating them. They’d probably only be able to form half sentences. They’re like a pair of over-enthusiastic pink-garbed puppies, except this pair you’d have no hesitation in drowning. Look exactly like they were designed to be irritating characters who get killed off in an ironic fashion in Final Destination 4, I Definitely Know What You Did Last Summer or any other teen horror flick. I’m hoping one will choke to death on a chihuahua and the other will re-enact Jill Masterson’s death in Goldfinger, except with pink paint.

Lesley: The token old-serious person placed in the house solely to create conflict. She won’t get on with any of them, won’t be very interested and will probably be heavily edited from the daily highlights. Nobody will overly care about her. Alternatively she could come over all huggy, like you’re favourite aunt. Either way she’ll be a non-entity.

Charley: Clearly on a mission to be the most hated housemate by the British public, and despite some stiff competition from the varying degrees of morons from the previous series, she’s not got off to a bad start. Will probably start bitching and backstabbing and The Sun will give away free effigies of her to burn in week three. Other than that, appears to have all the personality of a grey chipboard.

Tracey: People like this do not exist anymore. Even caner friends of mine have toned it down a notch by now. Quite simply a walking cliche who will, by default, becoming the annoying one that nobody speaks to.

Chanelle: I’ll go out on a limb here and say she’s potentially the most interesting of the lot. She’s clearly not daft yet idolises Victoria Beckham, so there must be something slightly disturbed about her. She’s not instantly irritating and while she’s clearly in it for the fame, along with every other wannabe, its not quite clear what group she fits into or where she’ll go. Could be this year’s Aisleyne.

Shabnam: Self-proclaimed ‘wacky’ young housemate. Will turn out to be as about as interesting as a gathering of comatose trappist monks in a library. I had to look her up as I’d instantly discarded her from my memory.

Emily: Models herself on Peaches Geldof, so easily the most punchable of the lot. A big fan of a new phenomena called ‘indie music’ who nobody over 20 has apparently heard from. Claims not to be rich yet owns the contents of an entire bag shop. Probably as dim as two short planks sawn off at either end and will inevitably think herself both cooler and more intelligent than the rest of the housemates on the basis she listens to Babyshambles and ‘understand’ Pete Doherty.

Laura: She’s not as hateable as the rest of them, but even so… again, there’s more to this one than meets the eye. She wants to be an embalmer and I reckon she could have a few genuinely weird moments. I’m not entirely sure what to make of her, but for some reason that’s beyond me I have a feeling she could be a potential winner.

Nicky: Another one with the potential to be slightly more interesting than the rest, although I don’t think national TV is the best place to be airing her identity issues. Sadly, the most misanthropic-looking housemates usually turn out to be as cuddly as extra-cute kittens and I fear she’ll go this way before fading into the back into utter obscurity.

Carole: Oh. Dear. God. If you described yourself as left-wing you’d actively cross the street to avoid her. She’s clearly never moved on from Labour’s election defeat on 1983 and is still stuck somewhere around that area. Will probably encapsulate the worst aspects of political activism in one body and turn thousands of voters to UKIP overnight. Apparently stood as a Respect candidate. Honestly, after Galloway you’d have thought they’d have worked out just what a bad idea reality TV was.

This will probably all change as there’s no way they’ll stick for all girls and a boy, due on Friday, for more than 2 weeks and there’ll soon be a whole new collection of housemates I can vent my ire at, while at least half of the above will be gone and hopefully forgotten quick than you can say Jade Goody.

My suggestion for livening up the show. Introduce Katie from The Apprentice as a surprise housemate. You can just imagine her smile growing by the second as she gets booed while entering the house. And If she hasn’t organised a public hanging of at least one housemates by the end of her first week then I’ll be surprised and just a little disappointed.

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