Education, of the sexual variety

Oddly enough, the topic of conversation with colleagues over lunch yesterday was pretty much the title of Marine Hyde’s quite good piece in the Guardian today: Porn is screwing up young men’s expectations of sex. Although, as it was lunch and at least some of the company was reasonably polite, we didn’t discuss the baser aspects to appear in Marina’s article, like gang-banging and Manchester United.

But it was largely agreed on one of the points Marina makes today – with porn so readily available, there’s going to be so many expectations from male teenagers, and even pre-teens, about what the girl will do and how to do it.

The solution I put forward was to improve sex education. But showing a true-to-life poor and pathetic sex video.

Picture the scene: the biology teacher announces they’ll be doing sex education, where they can learn what sex will be really like. It starts off with the male clumsily fiddling with the woman’s bra before she gets utterly frustrated and takes it off herself.

The sex that follows will then, in every way, be the most terrible, unsexy, and disappointing it can be – and one where most people can speak from experience. The bloke losing it midway through, and having to wander off for a quick bit of stimulation as the girl nearly falls asleep. It’ll be a quick three minute job, where the bloke half nods off at the end before the girl fakes a very unconvincing orgasm, before pushing the bloke away when he tries to be a bit more creative. There’ll definitely be lots of ‘can you move to the left a bit, you’re crushing my thigh,’ and ‘sorry, that’s just not doing it for me. Shall we go to sleep now?’ The post-coital cuddle will be quickly abandoned because the bed is just that little bit side of too small, and neither can find a comfortable position, so both end up turning their backs on each other, while at least one will spend ages trying to get to sleep before eventually moving downstairs to the sofa. Conversation the next morning will be silted and awkward.

That, more than anything else, will teach teenage boys about the harsh world of bedroom antics out there, and hopefully set them up with suitably lowered expectations, so anything that actually goes smoothly, let alone be any good, is a bonus.

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